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20:17 Jan 22 2009
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A note to some friends having trouble with their relationship:
I don't claim to be an expert in relationships. I simply have insight, because of what I have learned from the relationships I have been in and seen.
I look around at all the people, falling in love online. I myself, fell for a person online. Simply due to the intimacy that we had, as we became best friends, during a hard time in our life. See that is the problem.
Online, its easy to be intimate in the way a person wants. Someone remembers you were going to the doctor, or lawyer, or for a job interview and they ask about it. That shows caring and interest in you. You talk, about everything under the sun. Your fears, your joys, your dreams. That again shows caring and interest. But is it love? At this point, I doubt it. You are missing the major thing in this relationship. The touch.
Online, people can be anything that they want you to believe. But until you are looking in that person's eyes, seeing their reactions to different situations, seeing how they react to you and your little quirks, its not real.
My marriages failed, due to the lack of intimacy in my relationships. Intimacy not only means, making love, but the caring, understanding and support of your mate. I learned the hard way, some of the warning signs...of indications of a partner who is just not that interested in my well being, or things that make me happy. All of these, were present as I decided on divorce. Idiots guide to intimacy... says it best.
- Forgetfulness, especially when it is important to you.
Forgetting birthdays, anniversaries. An important doctors appointment.
- Household repairs that have been incomplete for months. Not repairing the washing machine, so that I have to take the laundry to a laundromat. Then get angry when I call a repair man to fix it and the other things that needed fixing for months.
- Irresponsibility with money. I can't tell you how many times my ex's would spend $100+ of their paycheck, without telling me, without putting it in the checbook. I would attempt to pay the bills, with what was left. Then then get blamed for any overdraft, because I was stupid and didn't know how to keep a checkbook.
- Inability to maintain a job. Well that is obvious.
- Last-minute excuses.
- Thoughtlessness. Failing to call when he is going to be late. Ignoring you. Derogatory remarks about you or your friends.
- Making time for others but not for you. My ex's were very close with their family and friends. I always said I was low man on the toteum pole....the last of his priorities.
- Recreational overuse of alcohol or drugs. One husband was an alcoholic. Enough said.
Now my additions to this list...
- Lack of physical touch. They say a baby can die, from not being held, touched or soothed. why would a grown person be any different? A person needs a hug, a touch or they begin to feel inadequate.
- Kind, caring words. The words, "I love you," loose their meaning if there isn't any of the above to back it up. If your life is full of derogatory remarks, never being told something positive, it can undermine your self esteem and make you doubt yourself.
- Cruelty. Knowing my love for my animals, putting a gun to my dog's head, after I had just been told she had cancer and telling me that "I will take care of her, no need for doctors." He felt this was a way to save money.
If you see any of this in your current relationship...trust me, there are better men out there. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
If you are in a relationship online and someone refuses to meet you, comes up with excuses, even when you offer to pay for everything.
*DING DING DING* I hope some red flags are popping up.
If you are lucky enough, to find someone that is the same in real life, as they are online, Congrats. It does happen. Trust me.
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COMMENTS
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Vampirewitch39
20:28 Jan 22 2009
You are one lucky Owl. :)
Stikki
20:28 Jan 22 2009
Believe me...it is VERY important to pay attention to those red flags. If anyone experiences one "popping up"...don't dismiss it. Start asking questions. It might be something that is purely coincidental...then again it might be exactly what it looks like ;) Open your mouth and ask about whatever makes your spidey senses tingle...it beats having your foot in your mouth later on :P
chrysanthemia
20:36 Jan 22 2009
It seems like everyone is making entries and tips and things about this lately.
Everybody says something completely different. And I honestly don't know what to think.
Kitsuna
23:35 Jan 22 2009
I have to agree compleately. You really don't know anybody until you've met them in person, given them a hug and acctaully talked to them face to face.
xAstartex
09:18 Jan 24 2009
You said it all! Amen!